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There are five types of Pashtoon marriages: love marriage, arranged marriage, “jaisa aap ko theek lagta hai” marriage, “hamari izzat ka sawal hai” marriage, and finally, the undefeated champion, “teri umar nikli ja rahi hai” marriage.
You spend four years earning a degree, thinking people will ask about your career. Instead, the day you graduate, it’s as if someone hangs a “Ready for Marriage” tag around your neck. “Mashallah… now it’s ready.”
Some fall in love. But very often accepted by the families. Because “log kya kahenge”.
Most let their families choose, because apparently deciding who you’ll have sex with is considered a family matter.
Somehow, some lands in the “jaisa aap ko theek lagta hai” category, which sounds like freedom but translates to “I don’t really have the right to say yes or no, but let’s all pretend I do.”
Then there is the famous “hamari izzat ka sawal hai” stage, where your marriage mysteriously becomes a tribal beizzati prevention project. Uncles become diplomats, aunties become intelligence officers, and neighbors suddenly act like shareholders in your future. Somewhere along the way, you stop asking, “Is this the right person?” and start hearing, “Log kya kahenge?”
But nothing defeats category number five.
“Teri umar nikli ja rahi hai.”
Your age is discussed the way people talk about autumn leaves. Every year, another shade of green disappears. Every birthday is another leaf falling from the tree, and suddenly everyone behaves as if you’re fresh milk approaching its expiry date.
My friend Altaf recently accepted a rishta. It wasn’t some great romance, nor was he dragged to the wedding hall. He simply reached the point where hearing “beta, ab tumhari umar ho gayi hai” every Friday became more exhausting than getting married.
And honestly, I don’t blame him.
The older I get, the more I realize that Pashtoon marriages aren’t usually love marriages or arranged marriages.
They’re negotiations between your heart, your family… and that one aunt who somehow believes Allah appointed her as the Minister of Marriage Affairs.
Congratulations, Altaf Hussain Yousafzai
Which one is yours?
