⏱ Estimated reading time: 4 min read
Can we agree that every Pakistani politician has to take a basic Mathematic test before addressing the nation? Not hard stuff. Just: “If petrol is 380 rupees today, and you promised it would go down, what is petrol tomorrow?” And if they say “Sir, the previous government…” they fail. The correct answer is higher.
Can we agree that the army doesn’t get to say “we’re not involved in politics” while sitting in the drawing room of politics, drinking its tea, and choosing the ministers?
Can we agree that some countries have an army. Pakistan is an army that has a country. And every few years they say, “We are neutral now.” Neutral like a referee who owns both teams and the stadium and decides when the match ends and who wins.
Can we agree that the Prime Minister’s chair is the only chair in the country with a worse retention rate than a Islamabad call-center job? Nobody finishes a term. Not one. We have had more prime ministers go home early than Uber drivers who “couldn’t find the location.”
And Imran Khan. Can we agree that this man is the only person in Pakistan with a fanbase that is also a religion, a protest movement, a WhatsApp group, and a family wedding argument at the same time?
Can we agree that “Section 144” is the only law in Pakistan that is enforced perfectly?
Can we agree that the state has a special talent for solving problems by making people disappear? Not the problems. The people.
Can we agree that Pashtuns have been treated like a security checkpoint for twenty years? “Where are you from?” “Swat.” “Open the bag.”
And can we agree we have been fighting terrorism for so long that it has a pension plan? Every few months there’s a blast, and the same press conference: “We will wipe them out.” Sir, you said that last time. And the time before. Is “wipe them out” a policy, or a screensaver?
Can we agree that nobody in the world should be allowed to say “Pakistani women have all the rights Islam gave them” unless they’ve personally walked alone to buy bread at 9 p.m.?
Can we agree that the education system is a three-tier religion? Tier one: private schools where children learn Shakespeare and debt. Tier two: government schools where children learn to wait for a teacher. Tier three: 26 million children not in school at all. Meanwhile our syllabus teaches that Pakistan never lost a war and the moon landing was a Pakistani idea.
Can we agree that the Pakistani youth have the best plan in the world? The plan is: leave. 60% of this country is under 30, and 60% of that 60% is on a website at 2 a.m. checking visa requirements for Germany.
And inflation. Can we agree that tomatoes in this country have a better career growth than most MBAs? One day they’re 80 rupees, next week they’re 300, and a month later they’re a luxury item.
Finally, can we agree that this whole country runs on one beautiful, stupid, exhausting thing, and that’s hope? We’ve been told “next year will be better” for seventy-eight years. Every government. Every general. Every Eid message. And we still wake up, wait in line for fuel, argue about politics at a wedding, and say, “Inshallah, sab theek ho jayega.”
And somehow… it does. Not because of them. Despite them. Because of the guy selling chai at 5 a.m. Because of the girl who topped her board exam in a village with no electricity. Because of the mother in Quetta who still hasn’t stopped walking. That’s Pakistan. A country run by people who failed us, held together by people who never gave up.
